When or If
by Bru21
Summary: "But you're just like our father!" There's more to it that you're not saying. You didn't mean any of that. What is it you're not saying?


Thought I'd submit something, haven't in a bit :p sorry~

This takes place post-Retrieval arc...pre-time skip and pre-Gaara becomnig Kazekage :p Ah, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing~!

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><p>"You really think I'm going to believe this?"<p>

Gaara glared, holding himself back. His sand stirred but he withheld it. He was learning. He was taking those words, the words of that out-spoken, loud and brash ninja, to heart. Naruto Uzumaki. He'd brought to Gaara's eyes the importance of people, of bonds. His existence was no longer a question of killings; it was of mattering to others. He wanted to know the feeling of love, and to be loved. He was so far apart, however, from everyone around him that he knew it would take time. And he knew it would be difficult. No matter where he started, he was bound to be met with hesitation and tension on his quest for acceptance and worth. He knew he'd have to fight to build a bond of worthiness between himself and others. And that's exactly what he was doing.

Fighting to reform a bond severed in his years of bloodlust.

"Kankuro, please..."

The older boy ignored his sister's plea and instead thrashed his head back to face Gaara. Gaara instantly allowed his anger to cool. When he really focused, trying to read his brother's emotions, he saw how hateful he was. He was furious. His brows were fixed so low over his eyes in a deep scowl, and his mouth curled into a snarl, showing off canines that gave that dog from the Leaf village a run for his money. His paint lines were distorted in how scrunched his face had become in anger, though each line was still smooth; perfectly traced in a noble purple. He looked like a painted demon, with his hood casting a shadow over his eyes, light only hitting the bridge of his nose and cheek bones, illuminating a scary image. Gaara wasn't afraid. Gaara didn't know fear well enough to know what exactly to fear. He'd never been afraid of Kankuro; he'd always found the boy so much weaker. But he certainly did not feel like he wanted to get in a fight with the boy right now.

"What, Temari? You want me to just roll over and accept this?" His snarl flashed a glance to Temari, sending her to her place, before turning back on Gaara. Gaara didn't flinch, but he continued to scowl in Kankuro's direction. Still, when those beady, dark emerald eyes hit his own aquamarine, he found himself glancing away. There was such a fierce, hatred in them.

"I've had it with this act! You can't expect me to just forget everything and agree to this!"

"Kankuro..." Temari warned. But Kankuro wasn't done.

"You said you were sorry...you've tried to be...nicer," He said the word like he'd never imagined to use the adjective to describe his brother, the demon, "and I'll admit I haven't felt like I was going to die every time we stood in the same room together. But re-take the Chuunin Exams with you?"

He whipped around back to Temari.

"Don't you remember what happened at the last Chuunin Exams?"

Temari threw her own glare. It was weaker, though. "Exactly. He changed, all because of that exam!" Their was a hint of awkwardness as a blush spread across her cheeks. She obviously wasn't comfortable speaking this way about Gaara in front of him. Was she still afraid, too? Then why defend him...

"Do you also remember how he reacted when someone was stronger than him? Do you really think Shukaku is going to stand back, idly, as Gaara crushes opponents left and right? Blood will rain, Temari," Kankuro spat, and Gaara flinched at the memory. Regret washed over him. He felt more emotional than ever before. At the time, he hadn't cared. He'd just needed the satisfaction of bloodlust. He didn't pay attention to how his siblings felt or acted. Had he known that deep inside, this is what built up? Hatred? Fear? Loathing?

"He's different-"

"-He's a ticking bomb, Temari! I'm not about to risk my life, going through those exams again, with him! Anyone else, I'd take that exam in a heart beat. But I'm not going to risk my life again going through it all just to watch Gaara's resolve be peeled away by that monster, itching to get out and kill anyone who is enough of a challenge!"

Temari tried to reason with logic that would appeal to the furious puppeteer.

"So you want to be a Genin the rest of your life?"

"If it keeps me alive, yes."

"Since when did you care so much about your own skin?"

Kankuro flinched. Gaara caught this and instantly his brows flew up. Kankuro shifted his eyes, just for a split second, but Gaara caught this. There was something more to this. Kankuro didn't care about 'his own skin'. Something else was at work.

"Just go without me then," Kankuro growled lowly, turning to leave. But Temari wasn't finished.

"We have to have a three-man team to enter! You know that! Quit being so selfish, think about Gaara and me!"

"Since when did you ever think about Gaara? Wasn't it always 'This doesn't effect me'? What happened to that Temari?"

"What happened to the fearless Kankuro? Didn't you hate to be underestimated? You're a coward!"

Gaara heard this and instantly regretted Temari's words. It stung him almost as bad as Kankuro, who visibly flinched. Gaara felt guilty because he knew those weren't Temari's words. They were his; she'd just borrowed them.

"Quit trying to act like a caring, older sister. It's too late for that." Kankuro mumbled.

"Quit acting like you don't care about anyone but yourself!"

Kankuro flipped around, raising his voice.

"Stop trying to act like mom, you're not her! You never will be"

"But you're just like our father!"

Kankuro froze as though he'd just been slapped. Stung, hurt, he didn't move, didn't speak. Temari felt a lump twist in her throat. She'd gone too far. Gaara breathed in a sharp breadth, holding it as he watched his siblings.

Kankuro's mouth twitched as though he searched for something, anything, to retort with. But he couldn't. He just starred at Temari, then shot a glance to Gaara, before turning on his heels to walk away. Temari didn't know whether to cry out to him to come back, or let him go, having already hurt him with her words. Gaara thought to send the sand after Kankuro, but in a flash the door was slammed and the trio was now standing as a duo.

"I-I...I didn't mean...to..." Temari stuttered, not speaking to Gaara but not completely speaking to herself. Words meant for Kankuro that he'd never hear.

"I'll speak to him." Gaara stated. It wasn't an offer-it was a statement.

"N-no, leave him alo-"

"I think...that's the problem," Gaara cut her off, pausing to look over his shoulder back at his stunned sister. "I think he's been left alone...too much."

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><p><em>"But you're just like our father!"<em>

Didn't he already know that? He didn't need her reminding him. That's what the mirror and his hands and the elders and those eyes were all for. Everything reminded him that he was so much like his father. Like his own personal Shukaku, Kankuro's inner voice constantly poisoned him, reminding him that he was, indeed, his father's son. Lucky Gaara had been cast out, disowned as the Fourth Kazekage's child. Gaara was so different, so defiant and opposite of his father. It was well known the gap between the two-they were incomparable. But Kankuro was struggled under the old man's shadow. No matter how different he tried to be, he was in constant comparison.

And now, he'd just given up to the influence and become the man's second coming.

"Just like our father, huh?" Kankuro mused, starring at his hands. He did that a lot, when he thought about himself or deeply enough. He'd look at his worn, worked hands. They always twitched-a habit he'd gathered from his puppeteering. But now, they were shaking. Not twitching, just shaking. Shaking with anger, guilt, sadness. He thought back to what had started it all.

The exams. Those damn, Chuunin exams. After Gaara had had his heal-face-turn, he'd said those damn words to Temari and Kankuro. "I'm sorry."

"It's...alright."

And it had been, Kankuro scoffed. Gaara...Gaara had calmed. Gaara had tried, he really had. It was awkward at times, and quiet, but slowly...slowly, Gaara had opened, if just a little, to the possibility of his siblings beings something worth more than just meat shields. Gaara was quieter, calmer, and more observant. He'd notice when Kankuro or Temari was upset, or happy. Weird enough, he'd question them why. And slowly, but surely, Kankuro opened up as well. He'd answer Gaara's questions. There was always a lingering fear, but it was quieted over time. A few months had passed they still were distant, but not completely. It had really improved after they'd saved those Leaf Genin, during that failed rescue mission. That was when Kankuro had realized Gaara really had meant to right the wrongs he'd caused. He meant to open up to others; he'd meant to build bonds.

But it wasn't enough. It wasn't perfect. There were slip-ups, trials. And there was always fear. Kankuro was always afraid. He was less afraid for himself, but now others. He worried of the bonds Gaara made. What would happen if those bonds were to break? What if these new bonds were flimsy, or lies? Gaara didn't need another Yashamaru. Who would be the victim this time? Would Kankuro fall to fill the place of the required blood shed? Or Temari?

Kankuro didn't want Gaara to hurt anyone else, but what's more he didn't want Gaara to be hurt again. These exams...if the siblings took them again, and Shukaku resurfaced...Would Gaara loose his resolve? Would Gaara grow so defeated at his failure to bind back the beast? When those reigns were broken, and Shukaku vengefully lashed out again in protest to his dormancy, how would Gaara react when it was all over? Would this defeat crush him hopelessly beyond the possibility of ever overcoming Shukaku? How strong was Gaara's resolve?

There's too much to think about, Kankuro thought, lowering his head into his hands.

He rubbed at his brow, scowling deep in thought. Now, he really did feel like his father. Balancing the well-being of others against the prospect of Gaara. Is this what it felt like to be Kazekage? Thinking of the safety of the village? Gaara alone was enough, Kankuro thought. He couldn't imagine being Kazekage.

You'd have to be selfless, willing to sacrifice so much for the well being of the village.

_"Since when did you care so much about your own skin?"_

Kankuro smirked. He was too selfish to be the Kazekage, not that he ever was considering the position in the first place. Temari was right, wasn't she? He couldn't sacrifice anything, anyone, for such a position.

Sacrifice his own family, his wife, his children.

Kankuro in turn frowned. His father had done that. Kankuro couldn't imagine. Did that mean he wasn't like his father?

Or had his father been the same way as him? Had he once thought "I could never do that" only to turn around and make the decision in the blink of an eye. Had he even blinked when he decided his son would become the Jinchuuriki, and his wife would die? Would Kankuro ever become so cold, make such a decision?

Maybe it was best he stayed selfish. Maybe he was destined to be like his father anyway. Maybe he was really just like that man. That monster.

"What are you doing here?"

Kankuro didn't flinch, but he was surprised. Gaara was as quiet as silence came. He could sneak up on anyone with ease. It was a special level of sneakiness, Kankuro noted. It was unnerving, but Kankuro had become used to it. Used to it enough to not visibly flinch or become startled by it. Because before, that sign of startlement made him appear weak. Gaara had taunted him on it once. Just once. Once was enough. Gaara's anger, his blood boiled, by the mere appearance of cowardice. Kankuro learned long ago you either fake bravery or make yourself invisible. Because being a coward, flinching, called attention to you. And if Gaara was in one of his moods, attention meant death.

"I..." Kankuro began, but his voice faltered. He'd meant to lash out, to snap _"I came here to get away from you, ja!" _or _"I won't take back anything I said!" _but found he couldn't. His voice already fell flat, no anger backing up the tone, so he dropped saying something altogether. It made him come across as though he'd meant to speak his mind, and Gaara waited for him to continue. Realizing Kankuro had no intention to talk, hoping Gaara would grow bored and leave so he could continue his self-pitying tirade against himself, Gaara instead only stepped closer to the boy.

Kankuro was folded over himself, sitting on a dune overlooking the village. It was the only spot far away enough from everyone and everything but still within sight. In case he was needed.

He was never needed, but it made him feel better, being able to see everything. Everyone.

"What you said..." Gaara started. Was it a question? Kankuro scoffed.

"Which part?"

Gaara didn't answer.

"You're not like him."

Kankuro felt his spine shudder. Gaara must be getting good at reading people, to know exactly what to say to cast off Kankuro's armor. His mask, that false pretense of strength and resolve. Kankuro didn't lift his head. If he looked at Gaara now...

"Why won't you do the Chunin exams? I know you don't mean to be a Genin the rest of your life."

One more try at the mask.

"I told you, I'm not-"

"-The real reason."

Nope. Didn't work. The act was lost, the gig was up. Kankuro had been caught red handed. Swallow your pride and speak.

"I'm afraid."

"...I know," Gaara added softly. Kankuro continued.

"I'm afraid...you'll be hurt."

This startled Gaara now. His brother was afraid...for him?

"You've done so well...You've kept Shukaku at bay, for so long...During missions...But, the exams...what if...what will happen if you meet an opponent like that Uchiha? Or that bushy-brows? That Naruto kid...I heard he's gone. Off training. He won't be there this time to stop you, to save you from..." Kankuro hid his shudder. "Without him there, you...you'll get swallowed up, loose yourself...a-and...And what will you stop at? When will it be enough for him? When the entire village is dead? When you yourself are dying?"

Gaara watched his brother. He was surprisingly still. He had raised his head, but his back faced Gaara. He refused to look at him.

"Without Naruto...no one can stop you...No one will be there...for you..." A pang of guilt, Gaara heard. He closed his slightly gaping mouth, then opened it to speak.

"Who says I'll let Shukaku win? You said so yourself, I've kept him at bay this long...I've changed...I don't give in to him like I did before...I fight it..." Gaara looked to his own hand, a faint smile gracing him. He was becoming stronger. Stronger than he had ever been.

"But what happens if you can't control him? What happens when you do fail! I'm not...I'm not saying your resolve is weakening. I'm just...he's strong..." Kankuro finished weakly. Gaara heard the strain, hoarseness of Kankuro's voice. It was trembling, but Kankuro remained rigid.

Just how good was his brother at physically hiding his fear?

"When...if," Kankuro caught himself, trying to have more faith, more belief, in his brother, "Shukaku gets free...who will stop him? No one...no one, b-but that Uzumaki kid...No one has ever reached into your resolve like that. Stopped you, like that..."

And then it hit Gaara. That pang of guilt...it was because of Naruto. Because Naruto had reached out to Gaara-and he'd managed to grab hold of him. Kankuro...had always been afraid. He'd always, from the shadows, tried to protect everyone from Gaara. Kankuro wasn't one to worry only about his own skin. He'd been protecting Temari, Baki-everyone-from Gaara. No, what hurt Kankuro was the most was that he couldn't protect Gaara. He couldn't grab a hold of Gaara and protect the others at the same time. Kankuro had been the buffer between Gaara and others, but he'd never been able to cross the war zone that was Gaara, to pull him back to humanity. Naruto had done that.

And that's what killed Kankuro. That he could only do so much, but never enough. Someone else had to pull his brother back. He'd never been able to save Gaara from Shukaku before, and what made him think that he ever could?

If Gaara went haywire, if Shukaku gained control, during the exams...Kankuro wouldn't be able to save him, he thought. But he had seen what had become of Gaara when he was saved. And tat was something he didn't want to loose. Neither of them did. But, if Gaara couldn't be saved a second time...not only would it kill Gaara, it would kill Kankuro.

They both were addicted to Gaara's new resolve. They wouldn't be pulled away from it, thrust back to the starting point.

In two quick steps, Gaara was directly behind Kankuro. Without thinking, his hand shot up to Kankuro's sleeve, holding the cloth at Kankuro's elbow, tugging it back.

"You will."

Kankuro's body tensed and Gaara watched the hair stand on the back of Kankuro's neck. The older boy said nothing, so Gaara continued.

"Naruto won't be there...but you will be. If...If Shukaku gets too strong, if I..." He didn't want to voice the possibility, "...then...then you'll be there. You'll reach out to me. You-"

"-I never was able to in the past." Kankuro cut off, harsher than he'd meant to.

"You tried, didn't you?"

"Never hard enough."

"You couldn't break through the first time...but...it's different now. The first strike has been made." Gaara continued. It was awkward to speak of himself in a sense, but he mentally imagined himself frozen in some ice berg form or other. He saw the cracks, the blurred images of figures standing outside his frozen prison. One looked particularly dark. He heard the chipping of bare fists punching through the ice layers. He saw the flash of orange. But, always, standing beside that orange...there were others. He wasn't alone. It wasn't that they weren't there-they just weren't reaching. The ice blocked them.

"You'll be able to..." Bring me back, Gaara thought but never finished. Kankuro turned around to face his brother, slowly pivoting, and Gaara watched, amazed, as he caught the sight of his brother, whose eyes were blurred, fighting tears that were forming slowly.

"I don't..."

Gaara instinctively placed both hands on Kankuro's shoulders.

"You will. Because when..." He bit his lip. "...If..._that_ happens...you'll be there for me." And, not so confident, he added, "Won't you?"

Kankuro smiled, the corners of his eyes up-turning as his right eye blinked into a wink. In a flash, both his brother's strong arms had wrapped around the younger, smaller boy, pulling him into a hug. Gaara, as foreign as this motion was to him, didn't fight it. Neither did his sand stir. It recognized that this was not an attack. It was affection.

"Of course." Kankuro breathed, digging his face into the curve of Gaara's neck as he squeezed tight. The younger boy felt his brother shake as he held him. He felt the cold drops upon his shoulder, but said nothing. He slowly let his hands fall naturally on the curve of his brother's back and held him like this for what seemed quite a long time. Neither moved.

"Will you do the exams with Temari and me?" Gaara finally asked, quietly and rather surprised at the faintest blush spread upon his own face. He heard a small sniffle of a response.

"'Course. Someone's got to be there to protect you two, ja."

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><p>Temari didn't ask any questions when both her brothers returned, shortly after sunset, walking side by side. She said nothing when Kankuro himself informed her, calmly, that he'd personally talk to Baki about their enrollment in the Chunin exams. She said nothing during dinner, and even remained silent while her brothers silently took care of dishes, as repayment for her cooking the meal.<p>

When she finally did speak, it was to catch her eldest brother before he disappeared to retreat to his room. Gaara was finishing with the last bowl. Kankuro stopped in his tracks and turned back his head slightly as Temari called out to him from her spot on the sofa.

"Kankuro..."

Both brothers looked to her, but she only looked down. Finally, she looked up.

"I...I didn't mean it. You're nothing like him."

Gaara smiled to himself. Kankuro didn't react so much as widening his eyes slightly, but Gaara knew that meant the world to him. To not be compared to that man...

Kankuro had just smiled.

"Dinner was delicious. You'll make a good mother one day, Temari."

No one said anything as Kankuro left the room, but Gaara caught a glance of Temari's smile.

All had been forgiven.

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><p><strong>AN: **Hmm~! I wrote this awhile back, didn't like it that much, forgot about it, found it this morning and realized I actually really liked this! XD Random Facts~ I believe my original intention was telling a story from th epoint of view that Temari was closer or had more faith in Gaara than Kankuro- like that she was the one who believed in him changing himself for the better and such. I attempted that anyway haha because at the end, it's like "JK, Kankuro's got Gaara's best interests in mind jsut as much lol" Haha anyway...I'm always pulling in their father, aren't I? Haha I really need to broaden my comparisons of the man beyond 'monster' lol sorry!

That one scene had more of a bromance between Gaara and Kankuro then I remembered/meant lol oh well...I liked Temari a lot in this one! XD Enoguh about my opinions! Haha Review if you'd like, I'd appreciate it! :p Hope you at least enjoyed it! (Though looking back, this concept and story seems over-played, doesn't it? :p)


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